Sam's Column

Insert Joke Here

More by Sam Meyjes - 11/12

 

 

*Disclaimer: As to avoid angry phone calls and/or emails from all you overly protective parents, faculty members, and turkeys out there, know that everything you read here is my personal opinion. Nothing that could even be considered slightly inappropriate did I learn from this school or any of the faculty members at this school. Any and all jokes used in this piece of writing are being used purely for the attempted purpose of making you, the reader, laugh. I am not attempting in any way to single out any individuals in or out of the school. If I have offended you in any way, then chill out bro, it’s a joke. If you don’t like it, go eat some turkey with mashed potatoes and gravy and stuffing. And cranberry sauce. Because Thanksgiving, that’s why.

Hello all you hard working people trying to find a way to waste the last two and a half minutes of your free on the library computers. Thanks for clicking on Neirad. Anyway, I hope you’re having a good day. I know I’m not having a good day, because I’m writing this on a Monday, which means it’s Monday, which means everything sucks. You see, depending on the day of the week, the average human being will feel a certain way. So you can always tell what day it is based on what mood you’re in, and vise versa. But for those of you who are incapable of determining what day of the week it is and/or your own emotional status, I have compiled this list of weekdays for you to reference. You’re quite welcome.

I present to you…

The Emotional Review of the weekdays

Monday:

Go away Monday, no one likes you. Everyone can agree that Monday is the worst day of the week, ever, of all time. People are too tired to hold an intelligible conversation with anybody else, because everyone stayed up late watching the game last night. We all just feel stupid. Waking up on Monday morning is about the third worst thing in the world, falling only behind poverty and meatless bacon. Normally you don’t have tests on Monday, but occasionally you’ll get that one teacher who’s like “yeah, we dropped Friday, so I’ll just give you the test on Monday, you won’t mind”. That sort of unacceptable behavior ruins an already horrific day. We can consider ourselves lucky though. If any of us do die due to sleep deprivation and/or boredom, we have super-postie Brad McCarthy to save us (gimme a look Doc). The only good part about Monday is Monday Night Football. Thank the lord for that.

Overall review: third worst thing in the world ever, of all time. If you feel awful, it’s most likely Monday. If it’s Monday, you most likely feel awful. If you wake up suddenly and Brad McCarthy is standing over you, it’s either Monday or something much more serious and non-joke worthy, and I apologize. If you’re reading this on a Monday, I’m sorry, and good luck.  

Tuesday:

Tuesday is basically Monday’s slightly less evil twin. It tends to be a little bit better than yesterday. Actually, no. I take that back. Tuesday sucks. It can go live with Monday when we exile them both. See, Tuesday can be as bad or worse than Monday, mostly after 3-day weekends, because Tuesday will just be that guy and take Monday’s place, and then you get one of those “Monday-Tuesdays”, with no football or anything to make it any more manageable, which makes Tuesday only analogous to a giant piece of poop. The only consolation is that it’s one day closer to Wednesday, which is one day closer to Thursday, which is one day closer to Friday, which is one day closer to Saturday. But as we all know, the week is never that simple, and 4 more days in this gosh darn institution is something that I personally don’t want to think about.

Overall review: It sucks. Most likely, you’ll feel like you were just roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris. Actually, no, that’s how it feels on Monday. Wait, never mind… you’d be dead if you were roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris. Point withdrawn.

Wednesday:

In a nutshell, it’s the Switzerland of the week. Three days in, but still two days left to go. It’s just sitting there smack dab in the middle, being a neutral son of a gun, kinda like a Zebra that can’t make up his mind. Unfortunately, due to Tuesday’s annoyingly similar sounding name to Thursday, it isn’t difficult to mistake a Wednesday for a Friday. And mistaking Wednesday for Friday is no fun, because, let’s face it, nothing ruins a Friday more than realizing its Wednesday. But all in all, Wednesday isn’t that bad. It’s not that good, but it’s not that bad.

Overall review: meh.

Thursday:

Thursday is like Wednesday. Sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s bad. Yeah, there’s one day left until Friday, but Thursday is the day teachers give the most tests. Theoretically it should be a lot more enjoyable than the previous days of the week, being almost Friday, but teachers tend to exploit its end-of-the-week position as an excuse to give an examination, because “we had three days to review”. But that’s all bull. In reality, they want to do the least amount of grading over the weekend, so they decide to give a test Thursday in order to get a head start. Now, when you don’t have a test, Thursday can actually be quite enjoyable. The fact that tomorrow is Friday may be enough of a puppy-upper to get you through the day. And also, congratulations. At this point, you’ve made it through the vast majority of the week. Plus Thursday has the best TV shows, for the most part. But, then again, tests suck.

Overall review: if you have a test, it’s most likely Thursday. If you’re starting to feel happy, and don’t have a test, it’s most likely Thursday. If tomorrow is Friday, it’s most likely Thursday. You get the point. Moving on.

Friday:

Now, before you get too pumped that it’s Friday, just make sure it isn’t Wednesday. I don’t want your day to be as completely ruined as it could be. Ok, it’s not Wednesday? Good, now on with the show. Welcome to the best day of the week. Friday rocks. Even though you have to get up in the morning and go to school, everyone is just pumped, because as soon as that last bell rings, it’s the weekend, and we don’t have to think about school for two days. We get to think about more important things, like certain pubescent to post-pubescent teenager weekend activities. There is nothing better than Friday night, besides maybe like 3 or 4 things. Now suit up, it’s time for the weekend.

Overall review: Feeling good while simultaneously being at school is a strange and rare phenomenon that has been identified by scientists as “Friday”. So, if you feel good, it’s Friday. Congratulations, you win. The week was unable to kill you.

And then there are those two weekend days, which are pretty dope.