michelle and howard

Welcome to #2021TrumpU

More by Johnathan Stimpson - 4/17


rump University*

Office of Admission
April 1st, 2017

Dear Prospective Student,

I am delighted to offer you admission to Trump University.  Based on your academic and extracurricular achievements, the endorsements of people who know you well, and your personal written statements, we are confident that you will thrive in this learning environment.

I urge you in the weeks ahead to learn more about the challenges and opportunities available here. I have, for your convenience, attached a list of courses offered among TU’s three faculties; this list, though not complete, will help give a better sense of the breadth and depth that defines our institution.

Sample Courses

A branch of philosophy concerned with the truth -- and why it can’t possibly exist so long as Obamacare’s repeal was a failure, the stock market is falling, and the president’s approval rating is worse than Franklin Pierce’s before the Civil War. 

Trust me: give it six months and everyone will wish they are fluent in this Cyrillic language making inroads in Kazakhstan, Mongolia, Afghanistan, and 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.  

The Great Employment Boom of 2017: An Overview
In mid-March, America witnessed one of the greatest, and quickest, spurts of employment in history, little acknowledged by the press.  Throughout Obama’s failed, socialist tenure, unemployment was over 42%; however, when Mr. Trump took office, the new, now official-official statistics found the rate dropped to 4.7%, a stunning decrease of 38%.

Take this class to discover how, in the course of two weeks, 100-million people suddenly found new jobs in less than 14 days, a feat made more impressive in that hardly anybody noticed.   

Civil Engineering
While this field once concerned itself with the design and fabrication of roads, dams, and buildings -- due to changing market forces, civil engineering has become a primarily wall-centric pursuit that can be divided into four major categories: tall walls, the study of how high a barrier must be to keep illegal immigrants out; big walls, an area in which the engineer determines how long a wall must be to deter human traffickers; beautiful walls, the domain where designers attempt to make a 50-billion dollar, 3,000 mile-long political boondoggle look pretty; and, finally, theoretical walls, the more philosophical branch of civil engineering that asks esoteric questions like, does the wall.. when you really think about it, keep people out, or trap them in?

Womens Studies
For courses on women please see “Dressing Like a Woman in the Workplace 101,” “Hot or Not: An Introduction,” or “I’m Not With Her:Avoiding Nasty Woman Behaviors.”

In this course you will learn to formally prove how -- using a complex bevy of statistics, linear algebra, and calculus, a 60-billion dollar addition to military expenditures, 50-billion dollar wall, 100-billion dollar deportation plan, one-trillion dollar infrastructure plan, and a massive tax cut for the wealthy puts a balance sheet in the black.


Having shown the great variety of academic paths available at Trump University, we hope that you consider making this institution your intellectual home for the next four years. 

Please note that, in order to qualify for admission, you must send in a non-refundable check of 30,000 dollars made out to either cash or Frank’s Auto Body, Bayside Queens.

If you have any questions about this offer of admission, do not hesitate in emailing admissions@trump.edu.

We hope to see you soon,
Betsy DeVoss
Dean of Admissions

*Pursuant to a 2016 Department of Justice cease and desist order, we are legally obligated to inform all prospective students that this institution is not accredited, and, despite the name, bears no practical or legal similarity to one that is such. 

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